I am not my body...

This year has been quite an experience.  I have been totally rude to myself; my body, my heart and my spirit. 

It all started last January.  I set out to make some new year goals.  I started thinking about what I wanted differently in my life.  That lead to me bringing myself down about my life choices.  I felt like a huge failure.  I beat myself up for everything from not getting my degree to my bad handwriting. 

I was really upset and disappointed with myself for not following through with goals. 

At that time my husband and the Lord helped me realize a few things about myself.  I realized that even though I had not accomplished many of MY goals, I had always done what Heavenly Father wanted me to do.  I included Him in all major decisions in my life.  Those major decisions haven't always led me to accomplish my goals (yet), but it was what was right for me. 

Even after I realized that, in the back of my mind I knew that there was one thing I could always have success in because I had total control over it. 

That was my weight loss goals.  I wanted to lose 10 pounds.

It shouldn't be hard, right?  Well, I got on myfitnesspal and tracked every calorie ingested.  I sacrificed and kept track.  I lost 7 pounds.  I was struggling to move past that number.  I set new goals and off I went.  A few weeks later I wasn't losing weight still.  I decided to no longer include my calories burned on myfitnesspal that I burned working out. 

 That meant that every day I would eat 1200 calories and that was it. 

I changed my goals to include that I would only snack on healthy things and that I wouldn't eat sweets for 5 weeks.  I had a calendar and was marking off each day that I accomplished my goal.   

As I restricted and counted every calorie I found myself being very protective of my food.  Food became my life.  I think because I was hungry, I was constantly thinking about food and what I would eat next.

Then the binging started to happen.  If I was stressed or bored, I started to eat.  I would eat a lot.  I can remember "eating my emotions" even as a teenager.  I have used food to change how I feel.  It had been a problem in my life, but now it was uncontrollable.  I felt like I couldn't control my behavior.  I found myself addicted to eating.

That didn't sit well with my weight loss goals, of course, so I started looking for fast ways to burn metabolism. (see where this is going?) I started looking for foods that would help my body get rid of food in my stomach quickly.  Mustard shots?  Okay, I tried it, nothing.  Salt water flushes?  Tried it.  It sort of worked. 

But I wanted more out.

So I did it.  I made myself throw up.  Bulimia? No, not me is what I thought.  I am not doing this because I have issues with my body.  I just keep making eating mistakes.

For about 2 weeks every time I binged, I purged.

My body went into a revolt. 

 I became so bloated, which didn't add to my feeling better about things.  My throat and tongue were all ready getting raw from the stomach acid.  I felt awful.  I especially felt awful emotionally and spiritually.

After about 2 weeks and binging/purging about 5 times, I talked to Tyson. 

 I broke down. 

I was not treating myself like his queen.  I was not treating myself like a daughter of God.  Tyson was scared.  He had never seen me with such little faith in God or myself.

We talked for hours and he helped me see how much I needed to relax.  He helped me see how much I needed to get back in tune with who I am, with my unique talents and gifts.

I started analyzing my thinking patterns.  I was so mean to myself!  I expected perfection and wouldn't accept myself it I was not.

I also realized that I was constantly evaluating people's bodies and judging if mine was better.  I had been measuring the success of people by the size of their waist.  I was constantly comparing myself to others and even comparing myself to images on TV, magazines, etc.  All my self-esteem was wrapped up into what I looked like and not who I was.

So then I started to just eat what I wanted.  Well, the binging didn't exactly stop. 

Now I was addicted and it was habit.  I gained a couple of pounds.

For spring break, we took a trip to Utah and I had another melt down. 

Conversations about family members included talk about people's weight and I interpreted this as family measuring success on how in shape others were.

This tore me up. 

I felt like people were looking at me and just seeing *failure* and

that I didn't have it all together.

Tyson was my rock once again and helped me see how I was judging people incorrectly and that I needed to give myself a break. 

He helped me see how much I needed to love myself.

After that, things have gotten a lot better.  I did gain back all the 10 pounds that I lost, however, I changed my focus from needing to be skinny to needing to be healthy. 

I am doing the things for my body now that it truly needs.  Fruits, veggies, healthy options are now being consumed by myself and my family.  We are making better choices together and it doesn't have anything to do with our waistline.  Even though a great benefit of being healthy is the weight loss.  I have lost 5 pounds or so.

I have really been concentrating on finding myself again.  I have tried to be more open and friendly with people and love people for who they are with all their faults and weaknesses. 

I am learning to be patient with myself. 

I am basing my self-esteem on things of eternity.

The perfectionism I have is pretty deep seated.  I see now how expecting perfection has prevented me from really appreciating the Savior and what He has done for me.

I have been in a sense of denial about my weaknesses because I never wanted to own up to them.  I am striving now to realize my weaknesses in loving and lighthearted ways.  I am striving to be gentle with myself.  I am learning to laugh at myself instead of belittling myself for my mistakes.

My hopes for the rest of this year are that I really learn to identify who I am and who I can become.  I hope to become closer to my Savior in every way.  I am really reading my scriptures now with real intent to become closer to Him.  I am keeping a journal, writing down things I am thankful for, experiences I have, and things I can do better. 

 

I am not my body.

But I am because I am not perfect and neither is my body.

So deal with it... 

I sure am trying.