I am not my body...

This year has been quite an experience.  I have been totally rude to myself; my body, my heart and my spirit. 

It all started last January.  I set out to make some new year goals.  I started thinking about what I wanted differently in my life.  That lead to me bringing myself down about my life choices.  I felt like a huge failure.  I beat myself up for everything from not getting my degree to my bad handwriting. 

I was really upset and disappointed with myself for not following through with goals. 

At that time my husband and the Lord helped me realize a few things about myself.  I realized that even though I had not accomplished many of MY goals, I had always done what Heavenly Father wanted me to do.  I included Him in all major decisions in my life.  Those major decisions haven't always led me to accomplish my goals (yet), but it was what was right for me. 

Even after I realized that, in the back of my mind I knew that there was one thing I could always have success in because I had total control over it. 

That was my weight loss goals.  I wanted to lose 10 pounds.

It shouldn't be hard, right?  Well, I got on myfitnesspal and tracked every calorie ingested.  I sacrificed and kept track.  I lost 7 pounds.  I was struggling to move past that number.  I set new goals and off I went.  A few weeks later I wasn't losing weight still.  I decided to no longer include my calories burned on myfitnesspal that I burned working out. 

 That meant that every day I would eat 1200 calories and that was it. 

I changed my goals to include that I would only snack on healthy things and that I wouldn't eat sweets for 5 weeks.  I had a calendar and was marking off each day that I accomplished my goal.   

As I restricted and counted every calorie I found myself being very protective of my food.  Food became my life.  I think because I was hungry, I was constantly thinking about food and what I would eat next.

Then the binging started to happen.  If I was stressed or bored, I started to eat.  I would eat a lot.  I can remember "eating my emotions" even as a teenager.  I have used food to change how I feel.  It had been a problem in my life, but now it was uncontrollable.  I felt like I couldn't control my behavior.  I found myself addicted to eating.

That didn't sit well with my weight loss goals, of course, so I started looking for fast ways to burn metabolism. (see where this is going?) I started looking for foods that would help my body get rid of food in my stomach quickly.  Mustard shots?  Okay, I tried it, nothing.  Salt water flushes?  Tried it.  It sort of worked. 

But I wanted more out.

So I did it.  I made myself throw up.  Bulimia? No, not me is what I thought.  I am not doing this because I have issues with my body.  I just keep making eating mistakes.

For about 2 weeks every time I binged, I purged.

My body went into a revolt. 

 I became so bloated, which didn't add to my feeling better about things.  My throat and tongue were all ready getting raw from the stomach acid.  I felt awful.  I especially felt awful emotionally and spiritually.

After about 2 weeks and binging/purging about 5 times, I talked to Tyson. 

 I broke down. 

I was not treating myself like his queen.  I was not treating myself like a daughter of God.  Tyson was scared.  He had never seen me with such little faith in God or myself.

We talked for hours and he helped me see how much I needed to relax.  He helped me see how much I needed to get back in tune with who I am, with my unique talents and gifts.

I started analyzing my thinking patterns.  I was so mean to myself!  I expected perfection and wouldn't accept myself it I was not.

I also realized that I was constantly evaluating people's bodies and judging if mine was better.  I had been measuring the success of people by the size of their waist.  I was constantly comparing myself to others and even comparing myself to images on TV, magazines, etc.  All my self-esteem was wrapped up into what I looked like and not who I was.

So then I started to just eat what I wanted.  Well, the binging didn't exactly stop. 

Now I was addicted and it was habit.  I gained a couple of pounds.

For spring break, we took a trip to Utah and I had another melt down. 

Conversations about family members included talk about people's weight and I interpreted this as family measuring success on how in shape others were.

This tore me up. 

I felt like people were looking at me and just seeing *failure* and

that I didn't have it all together.

Tyson was my rock once again and helped me see how I was judging people incorrectly and that I needed to give myself a break. 

He helped me see how much I needed to love myself.

After that, things have gotten a lot better.  I did gain back all the 10 pounds that I lost, however, I changed my focus from needing to be skinny to needing to be healthy. 

I am doing the things for my body now that it truly needs.  Fruits, veggies, healthy options are now being consumed by myself and my family.  We are making better choices together and it doesn't have anything to do with our waistline.  Even though a great benefit of being healthy is the weight loss.  I have lost 5 pounds or so.

I have really been concentrating on finding myself again.  I have tried to be more open and friendly with people and love people for who they are with all their faults and weaknesses. 

I am learning to be patient with myself. 

I am basing my self-esteem on things of eternity.

The perfectionism I have is pretty deep seated.  I see now how expecting perfection has prevented me from really appreciating the Savior and what He has done for me.

I have been in a sense of denial about my weaknesses because I never wanted to own up to them.  I am striving now to realize my weaknesses in loving and lighthearted ways.  I am striving to be gentle with myself.  I am learning to laugh at myself instead of belittling myself for my mistakes.

My hopes for the rest of this year are that I really learn to identify who I am and who I can become.  I hope to become closer to my Savior in every way.  I am really reading my scriptures now with real intent to become closer to Him.  I am keeping a journal, writing down things I am thankful for, experiences I have, and things I can do better. 

 

I am not my body.

But I am because I am not perfect and neither is my body.

So deal with it... 

I sure am trying.

Quote of the month

I love this quote, "If you go on doing as you've always done, you'll go on getting what you've always got."

So true!  I have kept my goal of staying under my calorie count for 7 days now.  Feels good!  The part that I have failed on is snacking on only fruits, nuts, veggies.  I keep eating sweets.  Valentine chocolates, cookies, whatever the kids have.  sigh.
  It seems silly to me that I am half in and half out, so I decided today that for the next 4 weeks I am going treat free.  This is going to be a huge challenge, but one I am up for.  No artificial sweetner either.  Sam taught me years ago that artificial sweetner will make your body crave sugar.  What happens is our body thinks it is getting sugar because of the sweet taste in our mouth.  When it doesn't get it, it will crave it.  We drink Crystal Light around here.  I usually have one glass with dinner. 
So, no chocolate, candy, pudding, crystal light, anything of that nature until March 15th. 

I posted my goal on the fridge with a number for each day I accomplish my goal.  It feels awesome to mark off the day when I do it! 

Ready Now

I am finally ready to make and keep a commitment.  I am ready to write my written statement and stick to it.  I tried to follow Sam's recommendations below as I was writing this.

"I am achieving 35 consecutive days of being under my calorie count goal on myfitnesspal.com.  I will track my food and exercise every day for 35 days.  I will follow Sam's 12 healthy eating tips.  I will only snack on nuts, fruit and vegetables.  I will continue to be consistent in exercising and sleeping.  I will lean on Heavenly Father to help me accomplish this goal and all goals in my life.  I will be closer to Him.  I will turn to Him and give my burdens to Him as he will make my burdens light."

If there is anyone who wants to join me on myfitnesspal.com, let me know.  I would love to have someone doing this with me! 
 

Nutrition Tips from Sam

Nutrition Tip

12 KEYS TO HEALTHY EATING

1. Always eat a healthy breakfast. Healthy breakfast  options may include fruit, low-fat protein and (optional) high-fiber whole grain.
2. Eat 3 healthy meals and 1 to 3 small snacks per day. Try to eat every 2 to 4 hours during the day. DO NOT SKIP MEALS!!!!
3. Eat a protein-rich food (>10 grams) with each meal. Good protein sources include fish, chicken, turkey, lean beef, low-fat cottage cheese, cheese, plain low-fat yogurt (Greek-style is best) and eggs.
4. Eat a green vegetable salad or at least 2 fibrous vegetables daily.
5. Consume 1 to 2 servings of healthy-fat foods everyday. "Good fat" foods include: nuts, seeds, peanuts, olives, avocados, cold-water fish, olive or canola oil.
6. Eat fiber-rich foods. Try to get at least 25 to 30 grams of fiber per day. Good fiber-rich foods include: beans, lentils, oats, peas, ground flax seeds, pectin fruits and 100% whole grains.
7. Drink 12 to 24 ounces of warm or hot water first thing in the morning with juice from ¼ fresh lemon or lime.
8. Minimize or avoid the consumption of processed carbohydrates, which include: white flour, refined sugars and artificial sweeteners.
9. Avoid the 3 S's, which include saturated fat, refined sugar and excess sodium.
10. Minimize the consumption of saturated and trans-fatty acid foods such as margarine, fried foods, hard fats, red meats, organ meats and dairy fats.
11. Drink at least 8 glasses (8 ounces) of water per day, minimizing the consumption of soft drinks and other caffeinated beverages.
12. Avoid eating any food, especially processed carbohydrates, 2 to 3 hours prior to your regular bedtime.

www.samvarner.com

 

Sam is a great friend.  One of the Smith family.  I loved these healthy eating tips. 

6 steps to achieving your 2013 Wellness Goal

Sam Varner sent this and I loved it!  www.samvarner.com

Wellness Success Tip

6 STEPS TO ACHIEVING YOUR 2013 WELLNESS GOAL

1. Fix in your mind exactly what you desire in terms of your personal health and wellness. It is not sufficient to merely say, "
   I want to be healthy." Be definite and be specific.
2. Determine exactly what you intend to give in return for achieving your wellness goal. (There is no such reality as "something for nothing.")
3. Establish a definite date when you intend to achieve your wellness goal. Be realistic in your time frame. It takes quality time to manifest better health.
4. Create a definite plan for carrying out your desire and immediately begin putting your plan into action whether you are ready or not.
5. Write out a clear, concise statement of your wellness goal, name the time limit for its acquisition, state what you intend to give in return, and describe clearly the plan through which you intend to obtain it.
6. Read your written statement aloud, three times daily, once just before retiring at night, once after arising in the morning and sometime during the day. As you read your statement, see, feel and believe that you have already achieved your goal. The key to your success is constantly feeding your mind this written statement consistently throughout the day and especially before sleep.

Sample written statement:

"I am achieving a 33 inch waist by June 1, 2013. In return for this goal, I am persistently visualizing, thinking, talking and acting like the lean and healthy person that I am. I am eating healthy, exercising daily and getting plenty of quality sleep. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

Hello? New Year!

Hello everyone.  It has been a long time since I have written on here.  Well, another year has come and gone.  I didn't accomplish my goal this year.  Yeah, I stink.  haha. 

Oh well, today is a new day! 

Throughout the holidays I didn't gain much weight, but I still have 7-10 pounds I want to lose.  I am going to do this with using myfitnesspal.com.  I want to do this even on the weekend.  I tend to stay away from the computer on Sat/Sun, but I will get on and update it.  I need to keep my weekend eating under control to accomplish my goal. 

I will continue my current workout regimen of running M/W/Fr and doing what I call my butt-kicker workout on Tue/Thur.  It consists of a bunch of pullups (with assistance of a chair), ab exercises, pushups and squats. 

My short term goal is to update and track my eating on myfitnesspal everyday for 5 weeks. 

Lately I have been feeling down about how many of my life goals I haven't accomplished, but I have realized that so many of them were MY goals and not goals that Heavenly Father had for me.  I need to be better at relying on my Savior to help me through tough times and really have faith in Him and his plan for my life.  I need to rely on Him even to accomplish this goal. I need to turn to Him when I feel stressed or anxious instead of turning to food.   His peace is long-lasting.  His love is eternal. 

What are your health goals for this year?